Most people who don’t live alone share their meal for at least once a day. When we go out eating we prefer restaurants that are already occupied by a number of guests, and we avoid empty restaurants. Once inside, we try to find a place for our own because we want to have some privacy amidst the other guests. We observe table manners: we don’t eat potatoes with our bare hands, we (at least up until some 20 years ago) can (could) identify “social class” from the table manners: low social class eat by handling the fork or spoon by their right hand, leaning with their left elbow on the table, or (worse!) on their knees. Before eating they first cut everything into small pieces or and/or mash everything together into a smooth porridge. Higher class people eat with their fork in their left hand, and the knife in their right hand. This difference in table manners often spoil the dinner when lower-class people dining together with higher class people desperately try to imitate the eating techniques of their high-class table companions, and/or when the high-class people are irritated by the low-class techniques. Nowadays these class differences aren’t that important anymore in the Netherlands because it’s not correct to show disapproval of somebody else’s cultural background or to emphasise class differences. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist anymore, but that’s something beyond the scope of this writing.
How come that eating in all cultures is a kind of ritual with prescribed manners? Why is it that e.g. in China physical expression of satisfaction by the food is appreciated while in Western countries it’s forbidden? How come that in Iran emptying your plate totally is prescribed while in other cultures you have to leave something on your plate? Why is it that we prefer to eat together instead of eating alone?
When we eat we are vulnerable to attacks from outside. Look at the animal world, eating there is a matter of life and death, and all species have developed techniques and methods to be protected from surprising attacks from outside. Some eat in groups (e.g. lions), other drag their prey to a hidden or high place, birds eating worms always look around while eating, etc. Men, like most apes, are group animals. Like apes, we prefer to eat individually, as long as we stay within the group. Chimps and gorillas eat their leaves and fruits in a group and observe strict “table rules” which have to do with hierarchy: the leaders get the best pieces, and begging is an accepted habit and a way to express obedience and favors. Apes not belonging to the eating group are chased away or killed when they persist. Everybody stops eating when a sudden danger appears, and there are always group members in charge with looking out for dangers. Do you notice the parallels with human eating habits? Of course we don’t beg during meals, but we give favors and express who’s most important at the table. When in a restaurant a group is dining, it’s unthinkable that a stranger will also sit down there without being invited. In short, eating is a necessity, we simply have to, but eating itself also threatens our lives. Is that a reason why eating rituals and manners are experienced as so extremely important and embarrassing if not observed? Are they the remnants of the old life-protecting habits from the time when we were still apes? Eating… it’s one of the most important events we experience each day. It forms even part of religious rituals. The quality of the food comes far second, most important are the manners and the ritual performance.
Economists and historians use to make a classical distinction between hunting and collecting societies, agricultural societies, trading and industrial societies and service societies (still debatable if there is a “service society”, only our grandchildren can assess this). In the hunting and collecting society we see one common pattern as far as eating is concerned. First, collecting and acquiring food is something the whole tribe or village community is occupied with during 80% of the day. It’s simple but tough: groups of men go out hunting and collecting, women stay at home to make preparations while looking after the children whom they often bear on their backs while working. There’s only one time per day (if food is collected for that day) during which the community can be together: to consume the food. That moment gets a special name: dinner. Eating is a biological function, and everybody is eager to have the most nutritious pieces and bits, so rules have to be settled to make sure that the group will not fall apart in struggle and fights. (Already the apes have found methods for it), and the table rules were born.
This division of tasks and duties before and during the meal were the origin of all table manners in all cultures, and of course during the millennia they developed into very different behaviour in the several cultures, but they are all directed to show respect for each other’s needs and rights. First, people who are weak, sick or disabled get the pieces they need (e.g. pregnant or feeding women, recovering from illness, etc.). Second, people higher in hierarchy are offered the best pieces (which they are sometimes supposed to refuse to show respect, in other cases they must accept them to show respect). Third, everybody is supposed to show gratefulness to the “masters of the meal” who is the host, the owner of the ingredients, the people who prepared the meal, or otherwise paid effort to the production of the food. By the way, according to my opinion this is also expressed in the prayer we use to say before and after a meal. Fourth, we show respect to our dish companions in general. E.g. taking a piece from your neighbour’s plate, as children sometimes do, is in most cultures considered as a rude embarrassment, equivalent to an insult. All behaviour is directed towards the goal of respecting the eating enjoyment of your table companions, and for every culture an encyclopaedia of manners could be written. Fifth, when there are guests, then the guest is the top of the hierarchy. He is somebody from outside the group, and is permitted by invitation to share this intimate and important group moment.
When you, appreciated reader, would not be familiar yourself with all these rules, taboos and restrictions in which the shared meal is embedded, then you would easily wonder if there is any occasion left to enjoy the food in a relaxed manner. You have constantly to be alert if you are not trespassing some rule. Don’t go to the toilet during dinner, don’t blow your nose without turning off your face, don’t burp, don’t take too much on your plate, (or are you supposed to put food on your neighbour’s plate first, or do you have to wait until you are being served?), when somebody holds a speech, you have to stop eating. Don’t talk about matters that could spoil a relaxed food consumption, don’t talk too much, don’t talk too less, don’t be silent at all. Use the usual fork-and-knife techniques, don’t make stains or spill food, etc. etc. Only guests are allowed to make slight mistakes, first they are the highest in rank, second they cannot know our manners one hundred percent. An anecdote of this is the following small story: Queen Wilhelmina of the Netherlands had invited Paul Kruger, the leader of the South African Dutch-origin colonialists (the “Boeren” or “Farmers”) to an official dinner when he was in the Netherlands seeking support for his war against the British colonialists. Kruger was a Boer and didn’t know much of the table manners of the European elite. So when he discovered a small bowl filled with water and a slice of lemon next to his plate, he thought that it was a refreshment and drunk it, while it was intended to wash your fingers in it. As a guest he was sitting next to the queen, who noticed his “indecent” behaviour. Instead of whispering the right way into her guest’s ear, which would be very embarrassing for him, she took her own bowl and also drunk its content. Nobody at the table dared wash his or her fingers in the bowl after the example the queen had given, and the guest was spared the shame of not knowing table manners.
The sociologist Norbert Elias made a study of tablemanners in Europe throughout the centuries and it appears that everywhere the lower classes try to imitate the higher classes, and also that in Europe manners developed into a ceremony of restrictions and discipline. One is supposed to just show the contrary of what one would do if eating alone with no restrictions. Respected reader, think of yourself: what do you do when being at home and alone, and you get hungry because it’s eating time? Right: prepare something with a minimum of effort, put it on a plate which you put on a plank. Then you put the plank on your lap with the food on it and you switch on the TV. You burp when you feel the need to, and do everything else which would be a crime when eating in a group together.
In our time table manners are disappearing. Many people have jobs, and are called during dinner because others know this is a time that one is supposed to be at home. “Grazing” spoils the appetite when it’s dinner time. Those same jobs often prevent fathers and mothers to be at home during dinner. TV invites you to share the meal while watching a show or sports event. Fast food doesn’t encourage experiencing dinner as a social event anymore. I don’t know what influence this has on pour lives and on education of children, I think it’s a self-reinforcing process: food is available too easy in Western societies, and we can afford quick and too nutritious food. We don’t have time to prepare meals and it’s not necessary anymore because industry prepares it for us. The market offers what the customers asks for and has no educational function: suppliers simply offer what we find convenient and attractive. The food and meals market follow this rule as mandatory as any other market. We maybe have to reconsider market mechanisms I think. But, on the other hand, what technologically and economically is possible, will happen anyway, ethics and “good manners” always come second. Berthold Brecht, the famous German theatre author, already knew: “Erst das Fressen, dann die Moral”, “Food comes first, morality second”. I think I’ll have to think this over.
How come that eating in all cultures is a kind of ritual with prescribed manners? Why is it that e.g. in China physical expression of satisfaction by the food is appreciated while in Western countries it’s forbidden? How come that in Iran emptying your plate totally is prescribed while in other cultures you have to leave something on your plate? Why is it that we prefer to eat together instead of eating alone?
When we eat we are vulnerable to attacks from outside. Look at the animal world, eating there is a matter of life and death, and all species have developed techniques and methods to be protected from surprising attacks from outside. Some eat in groups (e.g. lions), other drag their prey to a hidden or high place, birds eating worms always look around while eating, etc. Men, like most apes, are group animals. Like apes, we prefer to eat individually, as long as we stay within the group. Chimps and gorillas eat their leaves and fruits in a group and observe strict “table rules” which have to do with hierarchy: the leaders get the best pieces, and begging is an accepted habit and a way to express obedience and favors. Apes not belonging to the eating group are chased away or killed when they persist. Everybody stops eating when a sudden danger appears, and there are always group members in charge with looking out for dangers. Do you notice the parallels with human eating habits? Of course we don’t beg during meals, but we give favors and express who’s most important at the table. When in a restaurant a group is dining, it’s unthinkable that a stranger will also sit down there without being invited. In short, eating is a necessity, we simply have to, but eating itself also threatens our lives. Is that a reason why eating rituals and manners are experienced as so extremely important and embarrassing if not observed? Are they the remnants of the old life-protecting habits from the time when we were still apes? Eating… it’s one of the most important events we experience each day. It forms even part of religious rituals. The quality of the food comes far second, most important are the manners and the ritual performance.
Economists and historians use to make a classical distinction between hunting and collecting societies, agricultural societies, trading and industrial societies and service societies (still debatable if there is a “service society”, only our grandchildren can assess this). In the hunting and collecting society we see one common pattern as far as eating is concerned. First, collecting and acquiring food is something the whole tribe or village community is occupied with during 80% of the day. It’s simple but tough: groups of men go out hunting and collecting, women stay at home to make preparations while looking after the children whom they often bear on their backs while working. There’s only one time per day (if food is collected for that day) during which the community can be together: to consume the food. That moment gets a special name: dinner. Eating is a biological function, and everybody is eager to have the most nutritious pieces and bits, so rules have to be settled to make sure that the group will not fall apart in struggle and fights. (Already the apes have found methods for it), and the table rules were born.
This division of tasks and duties before and during the meal were the origin of all table manners in all cultures, and of course during the millennia they developed into very different behaviour in the several cultures, but they are all directed to show respect for each other’s needs and rights. First, people who are weak, sick or disabled get the pieces they need (e.g. pregnant or feeding women, recovering from illness, etc.). Second, people higher in hierarchy are offered the best pieces (which they are sometimes supposed to refuse to show respect, in other cases they must accept them to show respect). Third, everybody is supposed to show gratefulness to the “masters of the meal” who is the host, the owner of the ingredients, the people who prepared the meal, or otherwise paid effort to the production of the food. By the way, according to my opinion this is also expressed in the prayer we use to say before and after a meal. Fourth, we show respect to our dish companions in general. E.g. taking a piece from your neighbour’s plate, as children sometimes do, is in most cultures considered as a rude embarrassment, equivalent to an insult. All behaviour is directed towards the goal of respecting the eating enjoyment of your table companions, and for every culture an encyclopaedia of manners could be written. Fifth, when there are guests, then the guest is the top of the hierarchy. He is somebody from outside the group, and is permitted by invitation to share this intimate and important group moment.
When you, appreciated reader, would not be familiar yourself with all these rules, taboos and restrictions in which the shared meal is embedded, then you would easily wonder if there is any occasion left to enjoy the food in a relaxed manner. You have constantly to be alert if you are not trespassing some rule. Don’t go to the toilet during dinner, don’t blow your nose without turning off your face, don’t burp, don’t take too much on your plate, (or are you supposed to put food on your neighbour’s plate first, or do you have to wait until you are being served?), when somebody holds a speech, you have to stop eating. Don’t talk about matters that could spoil a relaxed food consumption, don’t talk too much, don’t talk too less, don’t be silent at all. Use the usual fork-and-knife techniques, don’t make stains or spill food, etc. etc. Only guests are allowed to make slight mistakes, first they are the highest in rank, second they cannot know our manners one hundred percent. An anecdote of this is the following small story: Queen Wilhelmina of the Netherlands had invited Paul Kruger, the leader of the South African Dutch-origin colonialists (the “Boeren” or “Farmers”) to an official dinner when he was in the Netherlands seeking support for his war against the British colonialists. Kruger was a Boer and didn’t know much of the table manners of the European elite. So when he discovered a small bowl filled with water and a slice of lemon next to his plate, he thought that it was a refreshment and drunk it, while it was intended to wash your fingers in it. As a guest he was sitting next to the queen, who noticed his “indecent” behaviour. Instead of whispering the right way into her guest’s ear, which would be very embarrassing for him, she took her own bowl and also drunk its content. Nobody at the table dared wash his or her fingers in the bowl after the example the queen had given, and the guest was spared the shame of not knowing table manners.
The sociologist Norbert Elias made a study of tablemanners in Europe throughout the centuries and it appears that everywhere the lower classes try to imitate the higher classes, and also that in Europe manners developed into a ceremony of restrictions and discipline. One is supposed to just show the contrary of what one would do if eating alone with no restrictions. Respected reader, think of yourself: what do you do when being at home and alone, and you get hungry because it’s eating time? Right: prepare something with a minimum of effort, put it on a plate which you put on a plank. Then you put the plank on your lap with the food on it and you switch on the TV. You burp when you feel the need to, and do everything else which would be a crime when eating in a group together.
In our time table manners are disappearing. Many people have jobs, and are called during dinner because others know this is a time that one is supposed to be at home. “Grazing” spoils the appetite when it’s dinner time. Those same jobs often prevent fathers and mothers to be at home during dinner. TV invites you to share the meal while watching a show or sports event. Fast food doesn’t encourage experiencing dinner as a social event anymore. I don’t know what influence this has on pour lives and on education of children, I think it’s a self-reinforcing process: food is available too easy in Western societies, and we can afford quick and too nutritious food. We don’t have time to prepare meals and it’s not necessary anymore because industry prepares it for us. The market offers what the customers asks for and has no educational function: suppliers simply offer what we find convenient and attractive. The food and meals market follow this rule as mandatory as any other market. We maybe have to reconsider market mechanisms I think. But, on the other hand, what technologically and economically is possible, will happen anyway, ethics and “good manners” always come second. Berthold Brecht, the famous German theatre author, already knew: “Erst das Fressen, dann die Moral”, “Food comes first, morality second”. I think I’ll have to think this over.
